February 17th, 2021

​Your friend or loved one has been diagnosed with cancer and you don’t know to say – Do I ask them details?  Do I tell them that everything will be ok?  How do I react?

                When I was diagnosed, my friends and loved ones had all sorts of different reactions.  Some cried, while others were tough and assured me that I was going to be ok.  Some dropped off food, while others would send me a daily text to tell me that they were thinking of me.

                It’s a delicate situation and often can be uncomfortable.  You don’t know what to say or what NOT to say.  Here are some helpful tips:

•          Be encouraging, without being dismissive.  “It’s the good cancer” or “no one dies from that anymore” isn’t helpful.  Instead, acknowledge the battle while remaining comforting such as, “You have an army here to help support you however we can”, or “I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this.”
•          Do not compare to someone else’s battle.  My friend had 6 chemotherapy treatments while I had sixteen.  We both had breast cancer, and we both had the same oncologist.  Our TYPES of breast cancers were different, which resulted in different treatments.  I once had someone tell me “My sister in law had breast cancer and during treatment it spread to her brain.  She’s alive now but has paralysis.” 
•          If you have questions, ask them if it is ok to ask.  Some people may want to keep it more private, while others are open to sharing.
•          If you want to help, be specific.  Most people do not want to put you out of your way, so just TELL them what you want to do such as, “Tomorrow night I will send you dinner – do you prefer pizza or hamburgers?"

The biggest question I found that my loved ones had, was surrounding chemotherapy.  Most people (myself included!) did not know what chemo looked like and it made them nervous.  Once I explained how chemo looked for me, I found my friends and family wanting to take turns to take me for treatment.  It became the social outings that I desperately needed, chatting, laughing, and having lunch.  Everyone found my lack of patience amusing, and I would constantly press my call button to move onto the next step of my meds.  Most importantly, the energy on the chemo ward made a world of difference.  It was not somewhere that was scary and sad, rather a place of warmth and love.  

It is okay to not know what to say.  Even if your exact words are, "I don't know what to say but I love you."  One of my biggest fears was that I would be left behind - that my friends and coworkers will go on with their lives and forget about me.  I will leave you with this quote that struck a chord, and a copy of a text message from my teenage cousin when he found out that I was sick. 
"The worst thing someone said to me was nothing at all."